"Reading is escape, and the opposite of escape; it's a way to make contact with reality after a day of making things up, and it's a way of making contact with someone else's imagination after a day that's all too real."
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
***This is a pregnancy-related post. It also mentions pregnancy loss and child loss.***
Last night, I had the mother of all loss dreams. It has been over twelve hours since I woke up sobbing loudly enough to wake my husband and I still start crying every time I think about it.
In the dream, I went for my anatomy scan, only to find out that there is something very wrong with the baby. She (baby was a girl in the dream) has to have surgery or she will die. My husband and I agree to the surgery, only they take her out of my body to do the surgery and say that they will then put her in an artificial womb after surgery is complete. (What the hell?!?!)
While we are watching the surgery (another what the hell?), I realize I have lost my wallet, so I take G.T. with me to go look for it. (Yes, our almost two year old son was watching surgery on his 20 weeks gestation sister.)
I see the wallet on the floor of an elevator and run with him to try and get it. For some reason, I let him run ahead and I do not see what happens then. All I know is that he ends up in surgery, too, for some kind of accident.
They put him in the same operating room as his sister.
My husband and I watch both of our living children die on operating tables.
That is when I woke up, crying so hard I woke up my husband. He kept me from running into the Muppet's room and waking him up three hours early, but when the boy finally did wake up, I know I probably confused him by squeezing him so hard.
I hate this.
I hate being scared all the time.
I hate that I am so worried I cannot enjoy what I know is my last pregnancy.
I hate that while everyone else is asking us if we are excited to find out the baby's sex next week at our anatomy scan, both of us are worried that we are going to get bad news.
I hate that even though I am feeling movement every day (something I did not get to experience with our lost boy), I have no faith that we are going to bring this baby home.
I hate that I am counting down the weeks and days until viability (4 weeks 5 days) and I know that I will probably still be a wreck.
I. Hate. This.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
I'm stealing this post idea from Amber at Old Lady and No Baby who stole it from someone else. I like posts like this that go beyond the general theme of a blog and give you a way to get to know the writer a little better.
Four jobs I've had:
1) Cashier/supervisor/customer service/money room at Kroger (three different stores over the span of seven years)
2) Sales call representative at Indiana. (I was horrible at it and quit after two weeks.)
3) Phone rep at Doody Calls, a company that would come out and scoop your dog's poop out of your yard for you. All I did was take orders, thank goodness.
4) Nanny. I got paid to take care of cute kids and read books while they napped.
Four movies I've watched more than once:
(This list could have been a whole lot longer than four.)
1) Gone With the Wind
2) White Christmas
3) The Tigger Movie
4) The Harry Potter movies
Four books I would recommend:
(Again, could have been a lot longer.)
1) Gone With the Wind (Margaret Mitchell) I love the movie, but like any film, it leaves out so much.
2) Reading Lolita in Tehran (Azar Nafisi) My dad gave me this for Christmas one year and is a wonderful look at life in Iran from the point of view of an educated woman.
3) To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee) Every person should have to read this one.
4) The Bitter Road to Freedom: A New History of the Liberation of Europe (William I. Hitchcock) This book puts a new perspective on World War II. We tend to think that the Allied forces invaded France and then Europe and life was good again for everyone except the Nazis. This shows the lasting damage done in the name of good to the people who supported that good, but still had to suffer.
Four places I've lived:
2) Chicago, Illinois (for a summer while working as a nanny for one of my cousins)
Four things I prefer not to eat:
1) Shrimp (all shellfish really)
2) Raw broccoli (love it cooked)
3) Cooked celery (love it raw)
4) Ham (No idea why I don't like it considering I love bacon and pork chops.)
Four of my favorite foods:
2) Steak (medium)
3) Potato salad
4) Caesar salad
Four television shows I watch:
2) Friends (own all ten seasons on DVD)
3) Big Bang Theory
4) Eureka (It's a show that was on the Sci-Fi channel and we own all the episodes. I watched them a lot during middle of the night feedings and will still watch it when I can't find anything else.)
Four things I'm looking forward to this year:
1) Our two week trip back to Indiana (Mine and the kiddo's. My husband doesn't want to take that much time off work so he will be joining us for a weekend.)
2) G.T.'s second birthday
3) Our first family vacation (The reason my husband doesn't want to head to Indiana for two weeks. We're not sure where we're going yet, but it's going to be fun.)
4) (Hopefully) bringing home another baby in October
Four things I'm always saying:
1) No pinching!
2) I need another book to read.
3) We stand on the floor and sit on the couch.
4) I love you.