My talk the other night at the remembrance ceremony, that is. I had to stop a couple of times and there were tears, but my husband said that he was proud of me and my friends that were there all said I did a good job.
I started off the with Hemingway and my "Never Worn" before telling William David's story. I did also talk (very briefly) about my take-home baby and how I had a "happy" ending, but that I still get angry because I could have both of my boys. That watching my second son play with his dad sometimes makes me cry because I will never get to watch my first son do that.
Next, I talked about my grandmothers, both of whom lost babies 50+ years ago. My maternal grandmother had a second trimester loss like mine; paternal grandmother lost a baby three days after he was born prematurely. I mentioned how only one of those grandmothers was allowed to grieve because the other was a pregnancy loss and therefore something to be kept silent.
I talked about the women I have met on this awful journey. How they saved me. How they really saved both of us, because their husbands were always willing to be there for my husband if he needed to talk to another loss dad. I do not think he ever did, but I know he appreciated knowing he was not alone and the offer was there.
I finished by telling my fellow loss parents that while it does get easier, it never stops hurting and that it is okay to not be okay.
After I sat down, a loss dad got up and told his story. It was heartbreaking to hear how he tried to be strong. How he pushed down his hurt to take care of his wife and ignored how much he was really hurting until months later, he fell apart. I think I cried more during his talk than during mine because I could see how much is resonated with my husband. So often, the dads are forgotten.
A great majority of the parents there were newly inducted into this shitty club. It hurt seeing how raw their pain is. I hope I was able to help that if even just a little bit. Tuesday night is when my loss support group meets and several of them mentioned that they will be there. I hope they do. I know how much you need to be able to talk with others who understand.
When we got home Tuesday night, I was was emotionally done. I am glad that I was in a place where I could address a group like that, but I was so focused on how nervous I was speaking in public that I never thought about the emotional toll it would take.
I am glad I did it and even more glad it is over and I do not have to put myself out there like that again for a very long time, if ever. It is so much easier to be "vocal" through a blog, on Face.book, and through other forms of social media.