Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The Invisible Moms' Club

A blog post from Scary Mommy is being shared by many of my fellow loss mommas today on both and on FB. 

"...nothing ever prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion that crashed down on me and proceeded, over the coming months, to suffocate me under a dark cloud of anguish.

Nothing prepared me for the waves of anger at pregnant women in the street. 
"At no point was I told about the blind rage which would leave me shaking when I saw misbehaving tots being screamed at by their end-of-the-tether parents. Or being smoked near. Or being ignored when in need of attention. 
"I was utterly unprepared for the isolation from my husband, who (at first) just didn’t *get* why I was so upset. 
"I was defenseless against the accusing voice in my mind, telling me that I was clearly undeserving of a baby/hadn’t been careful enough while pregnant/had done it wrong in the first place. 
"I was ill-informed about how to respond to throw-away comments from the unintentionally insensitive, which left me feeling as though I’d been emotionally assaulted."
 I know those emotions all too well. 

I have been lucky enough to bring home a wonderful, sweet boy, but I still grieve over my lost one. I still get angry that he is gone and that the moments I get with one, I don't get with the other. 

I hate the questions "Is he your first?" and "How many children do you have?" No matter how I answer them, I'm left feeling dirty, either because I deny my first boy or because I bring up a topic that so many feel is better left swept under the rug.

I am no longer an invisible mother, but there is a spot next to my living boy where my invisible boy should be.

"My children count. They have changed me, and I am their legacy." 

Quote of the Day

"It is not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty."

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Quote of the Day

"I've got the guts to die. What I want to know is, have you the guts to live?"

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Quote of the Day (from Goodreads)

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

Friday, March 28, 2014

Nine months!

***This is a proud momma post. I know that those can be hard, so click away if you need to. Protect your heart.***

I have a nine month old! When did that happen?

G.T. had his nine month well baby check this morning. He was 24 pounds, 14 ounces (97th percentile); 31.5 inches long (99th); and has a 47 cm head (86th). Basically, the size of your average 16-month-old boy.

My mother-in-law looked up my husband's stats from the same age: he was just over 21 pounds and 30 inches long. My boy is bigger than his daddy and my husband was considered a big baby.

Six weeks ago, Muppet would not even roll over. He could, because we had seen him do it a few times, but he just refused to do it. Then he started rolling and moving all over the place. Two weeks ago, he started to half-ass army crawl. Today, he crawls on hands and knees faster than I would have thought possible. He also pulls himself up on anything and everything he can reach and has started cruising around the furniture.

Our pediatrician always said that big boys were lazy (meaning, it can take them a little longer to hit milestones because of how much mass they have to move), but that once they built up the strength, they took off like rockets. He was not kidding. I cannot believe how much G.T. has changed in just two weeks.

I miss my itty-bitty ten-pounder, but I am loving this stage. Muppet loves to explore, so babyproofing happened rapidly in our house. He also loves to snuggle with me and read or just plain snuggle with my husband, which melts my heart. The two of them also get down on the floor and wrestle, which is hilarious to watch, especially when G.T. "pins" his daddy. When we undress him, we can tell him "arms up," and he puts them in the air so we can pull his shirts off.

The best thing, though, is that he gives us so many happy smiles, hugs, and kisses. 

And now I have to go, because he just found the box of kleenexes. Oops!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Sunshine Award

A little while ago (read that as "A freaking long time ago, but I'm just now getting around to it."), the lovely Hope at A Crack in Everything nominated me for the Sunshine Award

The Sunshine Award is given to those bloggers who brighten your day. Here's how it works:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
  • Link to the person who nominated you.
  • Answer ten questions about yourself.
  • Nominate ten bloggers to receive the award.
  • Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

Hope's questions:

What was your best moment of 2013? 
Easy enough to answer. The moment I heard my take-home baby cry for the first time. After the heartbreak of delivering William and not getting that, I will never, ever forget G.T.'s first noise. (Or the fact that he came out peeing!)

Are you making any New Year's resolutions? What? 
(I told you that she nominated me a long time ago, right?)
My only resolution this year is to get back in shape. So far, I have not made much progress, but now that it is getting warmer outside again, Muppet and I are going for daily walks. It is a start.

What is something about yourself that you hope will never change?
I am a warm, caring person and I hope that I never become cynical and lose that or the relationships with people that it brings me.

What is one of your favorite things to do in wintertime?
Growing up, it was going out to play in the snow and then coming back in to a good book and a warm fire. Where I live now, we do not really get snow or even that much cold weather, though cold enough to not keep G.T. out for long periods of time. I think reading in front of a warm fire, though, is still my favorite. I also love going out on a cold, clear night and looking up at the stars.

Aisle or window seat?
Aisle. In fact, before having the kiddo, my husband and I would get aisle seats across from each other rather than having to fight over who got stuck in the window seat. Now, since Muppet rides in our laps, we pay for first class and sit next to each other. Once he requires his own ticket, though, we will go back to sitting across the aisle from each other and the kiddo can have the window.

What quote/piece of writing is close to your heart?
It depends on the day, but any of the quotes I have shared in this blog about loss and grief mean a great deal to me.

How do you get your news?
The internet for day to day stuff and I have a subscription to TIME for more in-depth national and international news.

What qualities draw you to someone new?
A sense of humor, intelligence, and a great smile.

What do you look for in a place to live?
A decent sized yard and now that we have a child, good schools.

Do you have any nicknames?
Stasy is a nickname for my first name. My husband also calls me Lovebird from time to time. Growing up, my mom and dad called me Strawberry Shortcake (or just Shortcake). One of my uncles called me Savannah (and still does on occasion). I was also called Stretch my freshman year of high school when I grew eight inches in one year.

My nominees:
Some of these may have already been nominated, but they truly do brighten my day.
What I love about these women's blogs is that they are real. The good and the bad. Some days, my heart breaks for them; other days, they have such wonderful news, that even though I've never met them in real life, I share their joy. 

When I first started reading these blogs, none of these women had their take-home babies. Now many of them do; some are pregnant (or their surrogate is); others are still searching. All of them share the life they find along the way.

My questions:
  1. If you could have any super/magical power, what would it be?
  2. What is your worst vice?
  3. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
  4. What is your favorite book?
  5. If you had to choose between losing your cell phone or losing your car (with no way to replace either), which would you choose?
  6. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
  7. M/F/K the guys from Friends: Ross, Chandler, and Joey.
  8. If you had to choose between chocolate and alcohol (wine/beer/liquor) for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
  9. What is your favorite thing about your significant other?
  10. Why did you start blogging?
Those questions aren't just for my nominations. My other readers are more than welcome to answer them as well. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Goodreads: My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world.

Stasy: I cannot decide if Max truly is a narcissistic, misogynistic jackass or just a pathetic, douche bag frat boy who never grew up, but he was right when he asserted in the first line of his introduction that he is an asshole.

That being what it is, I am ashamed to say, I enjoyed much of this book. He is a terrible, terrible writer, and some of his stories made me want to throttle him, but many of them made me laugh.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆