I am in bad, sad place tonight. I have been for a few days. I do not really know what triggered this, but I am missing my lost boy more than usual right now. I know from talking to my grandmother that I will always miss him and I will always wonder what might have been, but I have to admit, that I wish it would stop hurting so much. I also want it to hurt forever.
It is so hard to explain.
I am so lucky to have my Muppet. When I have my really bad William David days, it makes me feel as if I am ungrateful for the wonderful gift that G.T. is. Then there are the days when I am so consumed by my little love that I do not think about my lost boy until I lie down at night to go to sleep and then I feel like I have let him down.
I hate trying to find the right balance between grieving and moving forward; between being a loss momma and the momma of a living, breathing toddler; between remembering and letting go.
I hate this.