Saturday, October 18, 2014

It went well.

My talk the other night at the remembrance ceremony, that is. I had to stop a couple of times and there were tears, but my husband said that he was proud of me and my friends that were there all said I did a good job.

I started off the with Hemingway and my "Never Worn" before telling William David's story. I did also talk (very briefly) about my take-home baby and how I had a "happy" ending, but that I still get angry because I could have both of my boys. That watching my second son play with his dad sometimes makes me cry because I will never get to watch my first son do that.

Next, I talked about my grandmothers, both of whom lost babies 50+ years ago. My maternal grandmother had a second trimester loss like mine; paternal grandmother lost a baby three days after he was born prematurely. I mentioned how only one of those grandmothers was allowed to grieve because the other was a pregnancy loss and therefore something to be kept silent.

I talked about the women I have met on this awful journey. How they saved me. How they really saved both of us, because their husbands were always willing to be there for my husband if he needed to talk to another loss dad. I do not think he ever did, but I know he appreciated knowing he was not alone and the offer was there.

I finished by telling my fellow loss parents that while it does get easier, it never stops hurting and that it is okay to not be okay.

After I sat down, a loss dad got up and told his story. It was heartbreaking to hear how he tried to be strong. How he pushed down his hurt to take care of his wife and ignored how much he was really hurting until months later, he fell apart. I think I cried more during his talk than during mine because I could see how much is resonated with my husband. So often, the dads are forgotten.

A great majority of the parents there were newly inducted into this shitty club. It hurt seeing how raw their pain is. I hope I was able to help that if even just a little bit. Tuesday night is when my loss support group meets and several of them mentioned that they will be there. I hope they do. I know how much you need to be able to talk with others who understand.

When we got home Tuesday night, I was was emotionally done. I am glad that I was in a place where I could address a group like that, but I was so focused on how nervous I was speaking in public that I never thought about the emotional toll it would take. 

I am glad I did it and even more glad it is over and I do not have to put myself out there like that again for a very long time, if ever. It is so much easier to be "vocal" through a blog, on, and through other forms of social media.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

15 months

***This is a proud momma post.***

Today, G.T. had his 15 month appointment. He was 35.5 inches tall (99th percentile) and 29 pounds (97th percentile). The nurse said that at his 18 month appointment, he is going to have to stand to be measured. (Good luck with that!) He also got four shots and while he cried (a lot) he still did well with them.

The pediatrician's only real concern is that the Muppet does not talk. Oh, he babbles (all.the.time.), but he does not have any real words yet. He said we have until his 18 month before we start talking about speech therapy. I do not know how I feel about that right now. Like I said, he makes a lot of noise and babbles a lot of nonsense. He also follows directions pretty well. 

For now, I am going to push it out and not worry about it. Too much going on.

Tonight is the memorial service. I am so nervous right now I could throw up.

Monday, October 13, 2014

What could have been...

Not a day goes by that I do not wonder what could have been and who William David would have been.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Quote of the Day (from Goodreads)

"Ordinary life is pretty complex stuff."

~Harvey Pekar

Ad Infinitvm

Goodreads: The Latin language has been the one constant in the cultural history of the West for more than two millennia. It has been the foundation of our education, and has defined the way in which we express our thoughts, our faith, and our knowledge of how the world functions. Indeed, the language has proved far more enduring than its empire in Rome, its use echoing on in the law codes of half the world, in the terminologies of modern science, and until forty years ago, in the liturgy of the Catholic Church. It is the unseen substance that makes us members of the Western world.

In his erudite and entertaining "biography," Nicholas Ostler shows how and why (against the odd, through conquest from within and without) Latin survived and thrived even as its creators and other languages failed. Originally the dialect of Rome and its surrounds, Latin supplanted its neighbors to become, by conquest and settlement, the language of all Italy, and then of Western Europe and North Africa. Its cultural creep toward Greek in the East led it to copy and then ally it in an unprecedented, but invincible combination: Greek theory and Roman practice, delivered through Latin, became the foundation of Western civilization. Christianity, a latecomer, then joined the alliance, and became vital to Latin's survival when the empire collapsed. Spoken Latin re-emerged as a host of new languages, from Portuguese and Spanish in the west to Romanian in the east. But a knowledge of Latin lived on as the common code of European thought, and inspired the founders of Europe's New World in the Americas. E pluribus unum.

Illuminating the extravaganza of its past, Nicholas Ostler makes it clear that, in a thousand echoes, Latin lives on, ad infinitum.

Stasy: I took four years of German in high school as my main language, but I also took two years of Latin. In part, this was because my high school would not allow me to have two study halls junior year. In part, it was because I was told it would help with my SAT scores. (I do not know if it did or not, but I am going to brag that my verbal score was only a very few points from perfect.) Senior year, I took it again because I loved it the first year. Latin completely fascinated me.

This book had Latin and history all wrapped in one. It had to be good, right?

Sadly, you can get the entire gist of this book in the last six pages and not bore yourself to sleep in the process. So much potential, but it falls very short.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆