Quote of the Day

"Hard times require furious dancing. Each of us is proof."

~Alice Walker

I just can't win sometimes.

Over Mother's Day and the few days following that, my in-laws were here to help my husband replace the deck. (The old one was falling apart and really unsafe.) My mother-in-law drives me crazy, but we made it through without any big blow-ups by the time they left Wednesday morning. I was in the clear.

WRONG!

Apparently, sending them a gift card to one of my father-in-law's favorite restaurants along with a thank you note for all of their hard work on the deck and around the property is me insulting them.

I did not want to spend Mother's Day with my mother-in-law (or anyone really) and now I am in trouble for trying to do a nice thing.

Fuck it! I am done with trying to figure out what the "right" thing is.

Update: The woman just sent me an email, lecturing me about it. What the hell is wrong with this family that they can't just graciously accept the gift card and the fact that I was trying to do something nice for them?

The True Darcy Spirit

Goodreads: Following on the heels of Mr. Darcy's Daughters and The Exploits and Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy, Elizabeth Aston delivers an irresistible new novel set in the world of Jane Austen.

After being disowned by her family, Cassandra Darcy--the artistic eldest daughter of Anne de Bourgh (and granddaughter of the infamous Lady Catherine de Bourgh and Mr. Darcy's cousin in Pride and Prejudice)--strives to make a living by painting. But struggling to succeed in bohemian London turns out to be the least of her worries! To begin with, there are the unwelcome advances of a certain Lord Usborne and then there are the letters bequeathed to her by a friend--highly compromising letters written by Princess Caroline that her husband, the Prince Regent, would very much like to possess. In league with Lord Usborne, the prince enlists the services of Cassandra's cousin, Horatio Darcy, who is a lawyer, to track down the missives. When Horatio's investigation leads him straight to Cassandra, he initially disapproves of her lifestyle until he finds himself utterly charmed by it-- and particularly her. Romance may prove elusive, however, as social obstacles and the efforts of a vengeful Lord Usborne conspire to divide the two would-be lovers.

Stasy: As Aston moves further away from the characters of Pride and Prejudice, her books become more enjoyable. They are not and never will be classic works of fiction, but they are fun Regency romances, good for a quick, light read. Her writing has also become stronger as the series progresses. My only real complaint with this book is that the ending was a little rushed over the last twenty pages or so as Aston tried to tie up all of the loose ends. However, this is a failing that many authors of the genre seem to have.

Rating: ★★★☆☆ 

"Is this your first?"

***This is a pregnancy post.***

"Is this your first?"

I freaking hate this question, because there is no easy answer. If I say yes, then I feel guilty for denying my lost boy. If I say no and explain, then more often than not, I get something along the lines of "So this is your first." 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I try to brush it off. I try to not feel guilty if I say yes. I try to deal with the stupid. For the most part, I succeed. (Well, not with the feeling guilty part, but I really do not want to get into it with strangers, who are the only ones I say yes to.)

Today, though, I about lost it. I had my 34 week appointment today. Pee in a cup, step on the scale, get blood pressure taken, go to a room, listen to heartbeat, and leave. There are five OBs in the practice I go to. I really like my OB, Dr. A, and had been seeing her for most of this pregnancy, but she wanted me to at least meet the others in the off-chance she cannot be there to deliver Muppet.

Okay, fine.

Except that one of those doctors, Dr. M, was the one who delivered William. The woman I literally met as she came in to take my son away. I had never seen her before that and did not see her again. I told Dr. A I was not comfortable seeing Dr. M. She said that's fine. If for some reason, Dr. A cannot be there and Dr. M is the one on-call, then I can request the hospital OB instead. Dr. A also said that Dr. M will not be offended at all as she is a loss momma herself. Whew!

So, the last few appointments, I have been meeting with the other three doctors. Drs. L and P were great. Professional, but understanding of my worries that refuse to go away. Today, I met Dr. R. She was awful! 

Dr. R: Is this your first pregnancy? (As she holds my chart in her hand, including the bright red flag on the front that says I am a loss mom.)

Stasy: No. We lost our first little boy when I was almost four months pregnant.

Dr. R: Oh. Right. Sorry. So you had an early loss then?

Stasy: Early second trimester, but not really all that early.

Dr. R: Well, still early. I mean, you hadn't felt any movement or anything, right? So this will be your first baby.

Stasy: No, I hadn't felt movement, but this is our second baby, our second son.

Dr. R: You can't think that way. This is your first.

I stopped talking, because had I opened my mouth again, I'm pretty sure they would have called the cops on me or thought I was having a Tourette's attack. She got out the Doppler, listened to the heartbeat, and left.

I sat there and cried. I had questions I meant to ask her, but I just could not. Not after the way she dismissed my lost boy like he was nothing.

After I got myself together, I checked out and left. I did not say anything to the receptionist or ask to speak to the office manager. My 36 week appointment in two weeks is back with Dr. A and I will be saying something to her about it. If Dr. R happens to be the one there when it comes time to deliver because Dr. A cannot make it, I will be asking for the hospital OB. I just cannot deal with her. 

I get that doctors see horrible, heartbreaking things all the time, but how could she just act as if William does not matter, especially when I made it clear that he does to us?

I am seriously thinking about switching practices after Muppet is here. I love Dr. A. She has been wonderful and helped make losing William and the TTCAL process a little bit easier, but I do not know if I can keep going there when I do not want to see two-fifths of the doctors there, when there is the off-chance that I might have to see one or the other if Dr. A cannot be there.

I just do not know what to do...

Remembering: Voices of the Holocaust: A New History in the Words of the Men and Women Who Survived

Goodreads: A unique oral history of the entire span of the Holocaust based on interviews from the sound archives of the Imperial War Museum and the National Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C.

Stasy: Informative. Heartbreaking. Devastating. Definitely a must read for everyone so that we never forget.

Quote from the book: "One of the things I'm often asked by the children when I give talks in schools is, 'What's the worst thing that happened to you in the camps?' I always tell them that the worst thing that happened was that I learned to hate."

~Steven Frank, a Dutch Jewish Survivor living in the United Kingdom

Rating: ★★★★★

A second post today.

I know. I know. What could I possibly have to say after already posting today?

I was catching up on my blog reading (which I am ashamed to admit, I was about a week behind on) and when I got to The Bloggess,  I was surprised and touched. Jenny Lawton is hilarious. I started reading her blog off and on after someone sent me the link to her hysterical post about Beyonce the giant metal chicken. ("Knock, knock, motherfucker!") Then I read her book and discovered that her road to parenthood was a hard one and it made me like her even more. 

Clicking on the link for her blog, I was expecting giggles and instead, found tears since Happy Whatever is a beautiful, heartfelt piece about Mother's Day. I just wanted to share for those who have never heard of her.

Quote of the Day (from Goodreads)

"Laugh all you want and cry all you want and whistle at pretty men in the street and to hell with anybody who thinks you're a damned fool!"

~Armistead Maupin